Sleepover Strategies

So, your child's been invited to a sleepover at a friend's house. ..

1. Be willing to be your child's scapegoat

If you sense that your child doesn't want to go, or you think she's just not ready, tell your child, "You can tell your friend I said no."

2. Create alternatives

If "everyone" is going to a sleepover, and your child doesn't want to go, or you don't want her to go, come up with a fun alternative: invite friends over, ask your child's grandparents to do something with them, or do something exciting as a family.

3. Host the sleepover at your house

That way, you set the guidelines, and your child will feel more secure.

4. Cultivate new friendships

Try to expand your child's friendship circle beyond his school.  Encourage him to make friends with kids through sports, church or other activities.  That way, if "all" of the kids in his class are going to the sleepover, he'll have other friends to spend time with.

Sleepover Criteria by Age

Elementary School

• Must know parents well.

Middle School (This age group tends to want to spend the night out the most)

• Must know parents well, and make sure they're going to be there the entire evening.
• Be aware of any older siblings and other older kids who may be there also.
• If your child is girl, and her friend has older brothers, automatic no.

High School

• Sleepovers are rare.
• You want your children to come home after a night out, so you can check for signs of drinking or drug use.

Note:  Even if your kids go out for prom or homecoming with friends, require them to still spend the night at home.

© 2010 iMOM. All Rights Reserved. Family First, All Pro Dad, iMOM, and Family Minute with Mark Merrill are registered trademarks

Blessing Ceremony vs Rite of Passage (Celebrating Manhood too early)

When I determined to establish a passage rite to manhood for my son (and next one coming), I decided that this would be a time when I could look into my son's eyes (and have other significant men in his life join me in doing so) and declaring to him that we now consider him a spiritual brother and a fellow man. I just cannot seeing that occurring at such younger ages (15 and under). I have raised astute and "street smart" boys (my bag professionally is Law Enforcement). I considered my sons' ahead of the emotional and spiritual maturity curve compared to their colleagues, but not having reached that "manhood" level until after they were into their 16th year. As well, my fellow guys agreed with me. If I were to have taken my oldest and pronounced him as earning manhood and equality with the rest of us men at 14, he would have been the first to have considered it "just a show" because there were so many areas where we would not/could not include him on the man equivalent level. From the moment we declared him Man (with the obvious exception of legal implications), all of us have treated him as an equal and he has recognized that. We have seen how it empowered him with confidence and purpose. That declaration now has true and lasting meaning to him because he knows we have lived up to our pledge to him.

I have no problem with blessing our sons as they enter adolescence, but I fully separate the concept of bestowing a "Blessing" to my son, from a "Rite of Passage into Manhood." For my family, anything less would have been just words, a great meal, and a present.

Family Ties to Faith

Connect busy families to a faith-filled outlook with these 10 time-savvy ideas!

Families are swamped. Schedules overflow with commitments. You hear or read about overextended families every day in the news. Yet there you sit, the children's minister at your church, politely -- albeit guiltily -- piping up with, "Excuse me, how can we get more faith development happening at home during the week?"

Though most families cringe at the thought of adding more activities or responsibilities to their calendars, many admit that they too would like to make time for faith growth -- if they had the right tools. Time, of course, is one of those tools.

So how can you help families and children focus on faith during the week? We've compiled 10 simple, quick ways you can help families weave faith into their everyday lives and build God-honoring habits -- without putting a dent in their schedules.

1. Cross Challenge
   
   Challenge families to play a seek-and-find game during the week. The objective is to find as many crosses hidden in everyday life as possible. Think telephone poles, signposts, seams on a basketball, and tons more. The goal is to make the game a habit, so families are continuously looking for crosses-and constantly reminded of Jesus. Remind families to share their findings at dinner each evening.
   
   Scripture: "We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God's throne. Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won't become weary and give up" (Hebrews 12:2-3).
2. In With the Good
   
   Give family members each a card with Philippians 4:8 printed on it. Ask them to think about the activity they do most-listen to music, watch TV, play video games, cook. Ask each person to place the card on the object or in the area where he or she does the activity. During the week, challenge family members to think about the positive side of their favorite activity and try to find one thing related to that activity that fits the verse and honors God, such as cooking food for family members, keeping in touch with friends, or choosing TV shows that have a positive message. Have them write what honors God on the card and keep it visible as a reminder to choose things in our lives that honor God.
   
   Scripture: "And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise" (Philippians 4:8).
3. Water: The Purifier
   
   Give each family member a bottle of water with the Scripture and questions attached. Tell families to refrigerate their water and drink a little each day, making it last a week. Ask them to read the verse each time they take a drink. Then during a meal, ask families to discuss these questions:
   • What do you think the "living water" is?
   • How is Jesus like or unlike the pure water in these bottles?
   • Why is water so important to us?
   • Why is Jesus so important to us?
   • How can we use water to remind us of God?

Scripture: "Jesus replied, 'Anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again. But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life' " (John 4:13-14).

4. Start With Jesus

Challenge families to choose one weekday to begin their morning with Jesus-before they do anything else. Encourage families to pray together or do one thing that honors Jesus. Encourage them to talk about the difference between the days they begin with Jesus and the days they don't.

Scripture: "I am 'the way, the truth, and the life' " (John 14:6).

5. Everlasting Light

Give families a decorative note to post in a room they all frequent or a place where every family member turns on and off the light.

Each time people flip the light switch, ask them to look at the note and remember that God offers a glorious light that'll never burn out.

Scripture: "No longer will you need the sun to shine by day, nor the moon to give its light by night, for the Lord your God will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory. Your sun will never set; your moon will not go down. For the Lord will be your everlasting light. Your days of mourning will come to an end" (Isaiah 60:19-20).

6. Self-Sacrifice

Challenge family members to each sacrifice something they enjoy during the week in order to help someone else; for example, giving up a TV program to help a sibling with homework or sacrificing Xbox time to set the table without being asked.

Scripture: "Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves" (Philippians 2:3).

7. Great Provider

Give family members each 10 pieces of yarn, 4 inches in length. Ask them to spend the next week thinking of the many ways God has provided for them. Challenge them to find 10 things they can tie a piece of yarn to (zipper pulls, rearview mirrors...) as a reminder of how God has provided. Encourage them to say a brief prayer of thanks whenever they see the yarn tied to something-whether it's theirs or another family member's.

Scripture: "And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

"So don't worry about these things, saying, 'What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?' These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need" (Matthew 6:30-33).

8. Mending Relationships

Ask family members to each find something at home that needs to be mended. Encourage them to talk about why the items need repair. Then challenge each person to think about a relationship they need to mend and why they need to mend it. Challenge them to go to that person during the week and offer forgiveness, an apology, or whatever's needed to bring peace to that relationship.

Scripture: "So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God" (Matthew 5:23-24).

9. Sour Words

Give each family member a super-sour gum ball to take home. At home, ask them to think about something they said recently that they wish they could take back. As they remember those words, have them chew the puckery gum and think about the sour effect of harsh words. Challenge family members to see how many days they can each guard their mouths and ensure that everything they say is true, kind, and necessary.

Scripture: "Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them" (Ephesians 4:29).

10. Prayer Walk

Ask families to discuss the areas in their lives where they're most struggling-perhaps school, a friendship, or doing chores. During the week, families can symbolically or physically visit the location where each person is struggling and pray for the person and situation. If it's possible, make a prayer walk or visit to the location. If not, use an item in the home, such as a friend's photograph or a textbook, as a prayer prompt.

Scripture: "Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere" (Ephesians 6:18).Danielle Bell has been a children's minister in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, for 10 years. Jennifer Hooks is managing editor for Children's Ministry Magazine.

Purity Ring Ceremonies

A Purity ceremony is commonly known as the time when a purity ring is given and a vow of purity is taken. Most often when the vow of purity is made, God is, at least, acknowledged, if not included in the vow. Purity ceremonies are also known as and referred to as: a true love waits ceremony or an abstinence ceremony.

Personal Decision:
The most important aspect or part of a purity ceremony is the commitment and dedication of an individual to stay pure. The vow of purity needs to be a personal and individual decision. Those who take part in a purity ceremony need to be committed and dedicated to the vow they are taking. Teenagers should not participate in these ceremonies simply to please their parents. There is no point or reason for a teenager to participate in a purity ceremony if they are not planning on keeping their vow and staying pure until marriage.

Importance of Parents:
Parents play a vital role in purity ceremonies. Children need to have their parents present at these ceremonies. They need their parents support. The presentation of the purity ring (or item) by a parent, shows the parents support of their child’s decision. Parents should also make sure their child understands and is ready to make the vow of purity. Children need to know and understand the importance and weight of the vow they will be making.

Vows:
Vows of purity are taken during a purity ceremony in a public or private place. These vows are most often made or taken in early teenage years; however, there are many people that make or take their vow of purity when they are older. There are also many people (often in college or in their twenties) that will retake or remake their vow of purity. It helps them to re-commit, remember and renew their desire that they had to stay pure when they were a young teenager.

Types:
There are many different types of purity ceremonies. Some are very formal and elaborate, while others are very simple. There are no requirements other than a decision and/or vow to stay pure until marriage.

Purity Balls
Purity Balls are a very elegant and elaborate purity ceremony. It is elaborate in that it is symbolic of a wedding. A purity ball is thrown for daughters and their fathers. The daughters come dressed in beautiful gowns and the fathers come dressed in tuxedos. It is an evening full of dancing, cake, prayer and most important, the presenting of purity rings or other purity items, such as a necklace or bracelet, by the fathers to their daughters. Fathers make a vow and promise to protect their daughters and guard their virginity. As the fathers are making these vows and promises, they present a purity ring (or other item) to their daughters. These daughters are then under their fathers guard and protection until they are married and replace their purity ring with a wedding ring. The daughters promise their fathers that they will stay pure.

Purity Ceremonies
There are many different purity programs at local churches in which teenagers can enroll. These programs consist of several Bible study and relationship classes, followed by a purity ceremony (kind of like a graduation). At these purity ceremonies, the students make their vows of virginity and purity publicly in front of a congregation. As they do this, they are presented with a purity item, most often a ring. The item is presented to them by their parents or an adult guardian.

Other Purity Ceremonies
Purity ceremonies do not need to be formal. They can take place between just a parent and a child at home, at a restaurant, at a park or wherever. Sometimes purity ceremonies take place just between a boyfriend and a girlfriend; promising one another that they will be pure until marriage. Other times purity ceremonies will take place with a few witnesses present and a certificate is signed and presented after or during the ceremony. Purity ceremonies are simply for anyone who wants to stay pure.

Purity Rings

A purity ring can be simple or it can be fancy. It can be cheap or it can be expensive. It does not matter. A purity ring is a ring that represents a promise, vow, commitment or goal to abstain from sex until marriage. Purity rings are typically worn on the left ring finger. It is significant, in the fact that it is the same finger on which a wedding ring is worn. It is to remind an individual their desire and goal to abstain from sex until marriage. Once marriage takes place, the purity ring is removed and replaced with a wedding ring.

Purity rings (also known as chastity rings, or abstinence rings) originated in the United States in the 1990s among Christian-affiliated sexual abstinence groups. Wearing a purity ring is typically accompanied by a religious vow to practice abstinence until marriage.

David Bario, a reporter in the Chicago Tribune, Rutland Herald, and several other news websites wrote: "Under the Bush administration, organizations that promote abstinence and encourage teens to sign virginity pledges or wear purity rings have received federal grants. The Silver Ring Thing, a subsidiary of a Pennsylvania Evangelical Church, has received more than $1 million from the government to promote abstinence and to sell its rings in the United States and abroad." The ACLU of Massachusetts brought charges against this decision, because the Silver Ring program did not ensure its secularity and hence was ineligible for federal funding due to the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment. The settlement between the ACLU and the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) says that any further similar applications of Silver Ring Thing must be reported to ACLU and closely scrutinized for separation of church and state.

History
Purity rings really got their start in the 1990s when the Bush administration began promoting safe sex and STD/STI prevention/protection.

“Under the Bush administration, organizations that [promoted] abstinence and [encouraged] teens to sign virginity pledges or wear purity rings have received federal grants. The Silver Ring Thing, a subsidiary of a Pennsylvania evangelical church, has received more than $1 million from the government to promote abstinence and to sell its rings in the United States and abroad.” ¹

What is a Purity Ring?
It can be simple or it can be fancy. It can be cheap or it can be expensive. It does not matter. A purity ring is a ring that represents a promise, vow, commitment or goal to abstain from sex until marriage. Purity rings are typically worn on the left ring finger. It is significant, in the fact that it is the same finger on which a wedding ring is worn. It is to remind an individual their desire and goal to abstain from sex until marriage. Once marriage takes place, the purity ring is removed and replaced with a wedding ring.

Promise Rings vs. Purity Rings
Purity rings are actually a type of promise ring. There are several different types of promise rings. Some are used to show commitment and affection to a significant other when engagement and/or marriage is not desired. While promise rings are used to show commitment to a significant other when engagement and/or marriage is desired.

Furthermore, promise rings are also used to make promises and commitments to ones self. This is where the purity rings come from. They are often used to make commitments to ones self to abstain from sex before marriage but can also be used to make commitments to others that you will abstain from sex before marriage.²

Who Wears Purity Rings?
Anyone can wear purity rings and anyone can purchase purity rings. In many cases, parents buy purity rings for their adolescents. However, there are also many young adults who buy purity rings for themselves. It has become more and more popular over the years among both, adolescents and young adults who have never had sex.

“Purity rings are also popular among “secondary virgins,” the abstinence movement’s name for people who have already had sex but have made a pledge to give it up until marriage.”³

Anyone can wear purity rings regardless of whether they have previously had sex or not. Wearing of a purity ring, is promising ones self that they (at least from that point on) will abstain from sex before marriage.

Preventing Future Use - Restoring your Teen after Porn Use

by Rob Jackson

Principles, not personalities

Chances are this encounter will exacerbate personality differences already evident in the family, but parents and teen alike need to understand that this issue is not about personalities but about principles. Ideally, parents will have educated their children about the principles or core values that pertain to personal integrity. When these principles are violated, parents don't need to make this a personal issue, even though the wound will be highly personal.

Those who have not undertaken this core training will experience greater difficulty reaching the teen. Compounding the problem will be any moral lapse or habits that the teen witnesses in the parents' lives. It is extremely difficult to admonish a child for seeking out pornography if the parents have a few video cassettes they claim to be marital aids. Children are experts at sniffing out hypocrisy.

If parents are morally compromised in this situation, there are only a few choices they can make. They can either let the matter drop, thus resigning their teen to a cycle of pain, shame and addiction, or they can make the decision to eliminate those harmful aspects of their own lives and work toward bringing healing and restoration to the entire family.

Youth culture often counters parental values; adolescents may claim the right to express sexuality in whatever ways they desire. Without moral absolutes, they are prone to experimentation and believe that being true to one's self is the greater good.

Boundaries and accountability

The fact remains that parents are responsible to a large degree for their children and for what their children do. For example, when an adolescent violates one or more civil laws pertaining to sexual conduct, his parents will typically become involved in the court hearings as well. Taking up their moral responsibility, parents of teenage addicts will need to state clear boundaries so that the guidelines and consequences are obvious.

Sadly, simply stating clear moral guidelines won't change the heart of our children. Nevertheless, parents should be clear. Adolescents are to be accountable for their conduct, especially when trust has been violated.

Some initial guidelines for children would involve the types of media they are exposed to and the times and places of exposure. For example, parents would want to regulate Internet usage to specific times of the day or only when they are present. They may need specialized software to help them achieve these measures. Other restrictions could include limiting Internet use for homework purposes only and limiting TV viewing.

Heavy-handedness without appropriate ongoing communication and relationship can drive a teen further away from you and drive a continuation of his or her acting out.

The guidelines parents set should not be limited to media in the home. Considering the seriousness of your child's problem, guidelines should also be developed for conduct outside the household, with a signed agreement clearly stating consequences for infractions.

The reader can see how this could easily become a case of "parenting with an iron fist." These measures need to be moderated by your family's situation and your unique relationships. Above all, you must enter into these measures making sure that you are acting out of love and a motivation to help your child toward healing. Just as important, your child must perceive that you are acting with such a motivation. Heavy-handedness without appropriate ongoing communication and relationship can drive a teen further away from you and drive a continuation of his or her acting out.

Ideally, fathers should discuss these matters with sons, and mothers with daughters. Follow-up is important and, at least initially, these times of accountability may need to occur daily so that the teenage addict can check-in.

Safeguard other children

The most difficult question that can emerge is how to safeguard other children in the home. We want to think the best of our loved ones, regardless of age. It's hard to imagine that a family member may actually pose a hazard to another family member. Where sex addiction exists, however, a careful evaluation for risk factors is always warranted.

Understandably, parents will want to protect younger children from the knowledge that an older sibling is addicted to pornography or other sexual behaviors. In fact, many times, the younger children remain relatively innocent, and perhaps the parents have not yet initiated sex education. Nevertheless, there are times when parents will need to err on the side of caution, and share with younger children that an older sibling is in trouble sexually, and therefore, won't be left alone in their presence without parental supervision.

Every family situation differs in type and severity. For this reason, it's not possible to offer specific advice in a brief article. Fortunately, however, help and hope is available though Focus on the Family's Counseling Department. For a confidential assessment and referral to a specialist, call (800) 232-6459 weekdays 6:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. (Mountain Time).

Seek professional help

If your child struggles with pornography or act outs sexually in other ways, professional help will be critically important. Often, Christian parents seek the help of a pastor, a Sunday School teacher, or perhaps someone from school. While all of these people have key-support roles to play, most likely none are specialized in the treatment of sex abuse and/or addiction.

The specialist can equip you to know how to approach your child. You will also learn how to monitor the situation, and develop more or less support depending on your particular circumstances.

Just because your teenager seems to be addicted today to pornography does not mean that he or she must remain addicted tomorrow. Kids of all ages are incredible resilient, especially when their legitimate needs are being met in meaningful ways.

A reality check

If your teenager is diagnosed with sex addiction, it means this condition did not occur overnight. To some degree, there has been a progression that most likely dates back to the first time your child was exposed to pornography or some other form of sexual abuse.

Because our children are in various stages of development where some degree of sexual experimentation is likely, it can be difficult to pin down whether or not a serious problem actually exists. The secrecy that surrounds sexual sin also makes it difficult to detect what may be happening in the private lives of our children.

As we work to restore our children to sexual and spiritual health, we must understand the role intimacy takes in this process. Sex addiction is never really about sex, but about the void in one's spirit. Even when a teenager has a faith-based life in Christ, he or she will still be faced with quite a bit of sexual temptation. If he or she can develop self-control in this area, most likely self-control in other areas will follow.

In every case where self control abounds, we can express our heartfelt gratitude to God who loves our children even more than we do.

Copyright © 2004 Rob Jackson. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.

Advice for Parents of Teen Porn Addicts

When faced with their teen's struggle, most parents don't know where to begin to get the helps he or she needs.

by Rob Jackson

With the advent of the Internet, parents are finding it increasingly difficult to shield their children from pornography. Now, in addition to the exposure kids might encounter from classmates who borrowed one of their father's magazines, most school-age children and adolescents are spending large amounts of time online for homework or entertainment reasons. Attorney General John Ashcroft has estimated that nine in ten teens have been exposed to pornography. Unfortunately, many of these teens are susceptible to developing addictions or compulsions to these images.

The term "addict" may seem severe. Most parents will initially minimize the problem, hoping their son or daughter is simply "experimenting." Experience has taught me that, in many cases, at least one of the parents will have faced similar struggles when he or she was younger. Today, however, Internet pornography is the fast ramp to sex addiction. Coupled with a greater moral decay in the culture and the fact that children's minds are still are still in the process of developing to maturity, addiction can happen quicker than we parents like to think.With the advent of the Internet, parents are finding it increasingly difficult to shield their children from pornography. Now, in addition to the exposure kids might encounter from classmates who borrowed one of their father's magazines, most school-age children and adolescents are spending large amounts of time online for homework or entertainment reasons. Attorney General John Ashcroft has estimated that nine in ten teens have been exposed to pornography. Unfortunately, many of these teens are susceptible to developing addictions or compulsions to these images.

Not long ago, I was a guest on Focus on the Family's teen call-in radio show Life on the Edge Live! During the hour, several adolescents called in to discuss sexual integrity. Even having previously treated adolescent addicts, I was surprised that the first four callers identified themselves as sex addicts – three of which were females.

My own practice and experiences such as those on the call-in show demonstrate that the problems of teenage pornography and sex addictions are real, devastating, and increasing. When faced with their teen's struggle, most parents don't know where to begin to get their child the help he or she needs.

Taking ownership

In many situations, the first reaction is to determine who is to blame within the family. It is important to realize, however, that bad things still happen to good families. This does not absolve certain parties from taking responsibility where it is needed. Everyone needs to take ownership of his or her piece of the puzzle.

For example, parents need to ask if they have provided a comprehensive sex education that truly equipped their child with the winsome truth expounded in the Bible. Setting proper foundations for understanding a Christian sexual ethic is a crucial step in protecting children from later sexual disorder.

Parents will also want to re-evaluate the types and amounts of media they have allowed in the home. People tend to absorb the messages that bombard them in popular media; more so with teens and young children. What have your children been listening to and watching? Is their media reinforcing respectful messages about sexuality and the dignity of the person, or is it working to erode these foundational principles in your child's mind?

Another often-overlooked problem is the sad reality of sex abuse. Most sex addicts have suffered sexual abuse at some point in their lives, and treatment of sex abuse is foundational to overcoming sex addiction.

The adolescent addict also has areas of responsibility. Has he or she been honest about the sexual struggles? Have there been other excesses like alcohol or drugs? Has a peer or perhaps an adult been a bad influence? Most important of all, has the adolescent made a full disclosure to his parents so that the family can become equipped to deal with sex addiction?

Parents need to realize that their teen is likely suffering from extreme shame and embarrassment. Authoritarian dictates are not likely to encourage your child to open up and share the extent of his or her struggles. Compassionate love and understanding, such as Jesus demonstrated to the woman caught in adultery, is likely to help your child feel safe enough to disclose the full story.

Many families will already have experienced serious communication breakdown with their teens. How parents approach their teen in this situation will likely determine whether unhealthy patterns of communications will continue to disrupt and frustrate the relationship or whether a new foundation of openness, trust, and safety can be built and sustained throughout the struggle.

What to expect

Parents will need to remind themselves that they are often prone to minimizing what they know or suspect to be the truth. Parents also need to realize the resistance they will encounter from their teen. Most addicts, regardless of age, will deny their struggle. They may even shift the blame and become verbally aggressive. Others may agree immediately that they have sinned or hurt others, and promise too quickly that they will never do it again. Getting caught hardly changes the heart.

Of course, it's to be expected that everyone will feel awkward, maybe even embarrassed. Regardless of the discomfort, however, when there is evidence of illicit sexual behavior and possible addiction, parents have to take the lead.

Copyright © 2004 Rob Jackson. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.

How to Respond When Your Child is Exposed to Pornography

Here are questions to ask as you evaluate your child's exposure to pornography.

by Rob Jackson

Was this my child's first exposure?

It will also be important to learn if this was his first exposure to pornography. The frequency of exposure matters, as a child becomes increasingly desensitized over time. As desensitization occurs, a child typically begins to seek a greater frequency of pornography, and a harder or more severe quality. Greater frequency and a shift to hard-core pornography are indicators that the brain has begun to seek more stimulation, which can lead to addiction.

If you learn that your child has developed a habit of viewing pornography, it will be important to seek the services of a specialist who is trained to facilitate recovery.

Just exactly what did my child see?

What types of pornography did he see? Sadly, with the Internet a child can be exposed to a wide range of sexual perversions in seconds. If your child has an e-mail address, chances are he or she is being exposed to pornographic e-mail. One recent study found that 47 percent of school-aged children received porn spam on a daily basis. This study also found that as many as one in five children open the spam they receive.¹ It will be important to learn about the types of pornography that your child viewed. For example, was the pornography heterosexual or homosexual? Was it limited to body parts or did it include sex acts? Was sexual violence a part of the pornography, and did it include bestiality?

Many parents will seek the help of a therapist at this point. Wisely, they want to safeguard their roles as parents, and avoid harming the relationship by making the teen feel interrogated or ashamed as they ask such difficult questions. The therapist can also delicately approach the job of ascertaining to what extent he or she has been exposed to more severe types of pornography, without inadvertently planting ideas the teen has never even imagined.

Regardless of what was viewed, it will be more important to rehabilitate your child than to merely correct or punish him.

How can you prevent future occurrences?

Frankly, there is no guarantee that even the best parent can prevent his child's exposure to pornography. As with parents of any age or culture, we seek to do the best we can with the resources we have. Should another incident occur, it will be another teachable moment where you restate the precepts and principles that guide us toward wholeness.

Fortunately, the probability of future occurrences can be diminished by taking a four-pronged approach.

Behavioral. Behavioral approaches attempt to prevent a scenario from developing in the first place. The house and grounds, for example, should be purged of all pornography. Media should be carefully screened for "triggers" that serve as gateways to acting-out. If the problem occurred with the Internet, a filter can be one of your strategies, although it can never replace parental supervision and involvement.² Other common-sense approaches include moving the computer to the family room where others can easily view the screen, limiting the time on the computer so that no one is alone on the Internet, and developing a mission statement that directs the family's the use of the computer and the Internet.

Cognitive. Pornography is propaganda and generates destructive myths about sexuality. Once exposed, it will be critically important that a comprehensive sex education gets underway, if it has not already been initiated. The child will need to learn what and how to think about sexuality. More than mere behaviors, parents will want to communicate the core values of sexuality, the multifaceted risks of sex outside of marriage, and their ongoing compassion for what it must be like to grow up in this culture.

Emotive. Sex is inherently emotional. Premarital sex has even been linked with codependency, where at least one person becomes compelled or addicted to be in relationship with another. The youth culture would lead you to believe that sex is not necessarily emotional for them – don't you believe it. Sexual relations of any type bond the bodies, minds, and spirits of two individuals. At the conscious level, this attachment is largely emotional. Our children need to understand that emotional attachment is often involuntary, and especially when the relationship has been compromised sexually.

Spiritual. At its core, sexual integrity comes down to a spiritual commitment. The Christian message of how Christ loves His bride, the Church, is our inspiration. The prohibitions and consequences of sexual sin are secondary to the intimacy that one experiences in obedience to God. Our children need to see how our lives are different because of His love. With confidence, we can share with them that God's true love will empower them to avoid the trap of pornography.

Has your child's exposure to pornography triggered you?

A child's exposure to pornography often triggers a parent's unresolved issues. It may be that a mom will be reminded of sex abuse in her past, or a father will be reminded of his own struggles with pornography and other sexual sins. Because these kinds of memories can be painful, coping with a child's exposure to pornography can become even more difficult. For these reasons, family therapy may be particularly helpful.

A final thought

If we really believe that sin is a powerful barrier between our child and God, we will move past a mere "sin management" approach to mentor them into a loving relationship with us and, more importantly, with Him. Wherever pornography or sexual sin is found, whether in the lives of our children or in our own, we can surrender ourselves and those we love to the greater care and compassion of our Father. His purity remains and cleanses us.

Copyright © 2004 Rob Jackson. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.

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¹"Symantec survey reveals more than 80 percent of children using e-mail receive inappropriate spam daily," Business Wire, June 9, 2003.

²Internet filters are effective, but not perfect. For children and adolescents, a combination of a filter and an accountability web application like Covenant Eyes is better. If one willfully and repeatedly attempts to get around a filtered Internet, the computer is like a "Skinner box" which actually reinforces the compulsion to find more pornography.