Successful Blended Families

Why do more than 60% of blended families end in divorce?

Why is it so hard to blend a family?

The reason so many partners in blended families feel frustrated and begin looking for help or a way out is because no one is taught how to deal with the complexities, challenges, and frustrations of stepfamily life. People who marry again, or people who are in a relationship with someone who has children, are typically not prepared for:

* The disputes over parenting, money, privacy, vacations, responsibilities, boundaries, rituals, holidays, etc.
* The ways in which children act out and express their emotions
* Stepchild behaviors like disrespect, "acting out," and/or "favoritism"
* Common stepchild discipline problems
* Custody, visitation, and/or financial support issues
* Stepsibling relationship problems
* Stepparent - stepchild rejections
* Intense loyalty conflicts
* Parenting differences over values and practices
* Conflicts over stepparent responsibilities and authority
* Feelings of being used, ignored, unappreciated, and unsupported
* Stepparent and/or ex-spouse jealousy issues
* Hostility and/or aggression among co-parents
* Excessive guilt related to prior divorce or to re/marriage
* Legal suits related to child custody changes
* Couples often feel overwhelmed, confused, discouraged, "depressed," and self-doubting about their stepfamily situation.

It is so difficult to blend a family successfully. That's why so many blended families ultimately fail. However, there is a pattern of success that has helped thousands of couples.

A Pattern of Success for Blended Families

Below is an abridged version of the Pattern of Success for Blended Families. Stepfamily life is complex and all families are unique, adapt the information to your own situation.

Become Informed

Learn as much as possible about Marriage, Parenting and Blending a Family.
Read books, browse the Internet, use audio and video tools.
Attend a workshop or conference on Marriage, Parenting or Blending a Family at
least once a year.

Acknowledge and Mourn Losses

There are losses of all kinds, the dream of a successful marriage, opportunity to
raise your own children from birth, finances, stability, friends, familiar surroundings,
daily contact with both parents, etc.
Acknowledge that all family members will have experienced significant losses prior to
the new family and need an opportunity to grieve them.
Children often need to be invited to talk about concerns. They may prefer to talk
with someone other than the parent. Respect this, and allow it.

Have Realistic Expectations

Instant love and adjustment is not realistic.
It may take 4 to 7 years to go through the stages of stepfamily development.
Step relationships will never be the same as biological relationships.
It's OK not to love your stepchildren.
Do not compare family success to a first marriage model.

Be Unified as a Couple

Put your marriage first.
View time alone together as a necessity.
Children benefit from the model of a happy relationship.
Do not disagree in front of the children - decide in private.

Form Satisfactory Step-Relationships

Stepparents who define their role with stepchildren as sort of an "aunt" or "uncle"
type of relationship are usually the most satisfied.
It is the biological parents responsibility to take care of, and discipline, their children.
Loyalty conflicts are common and step-relatives do not have to love each other.
At first, it is best to let the biological parent discipline.

Develop New Traditions and Rituals

Be creative developing traditions specific to the new family.
Children may need to hang on to some past traditions that were meaningful.
Work out innovative ways of dealing with transitions such as holidays or visits.

Get Support

Find a supportive Church, or other faith based environment.
Find or organize a Stepfamily Small Group.
Obtain help from a professional, trained in stepfamily issues, as needed.

7 Stages of Stepfamily Development

There are 7 stages that all stepfamilies go through. Some families go through them more quickly, some more slowly, Sadly the majority of stepfamilies never make it through at all.

Fantasy Stage: Most people bring fantasies, wishes, and unspoken expectations to their new relationships.

Immersion Stage: The reality of blending a family begins to be felt; Stepparent has an outsider position and biological parent and child remain intensely connected; Often an uneasy feeling that something is wrong and the stepparent may believe It must be me.

Awareness Stage: Fantasies of an instant family are relinquished and the stepparent begins to know the strangers he or she has joined. Biological parents begin to understand more clearly that they are the only ones truly connected to both children and spouse.

Mobilization Stage: Differences are much more openly expressed; This may be a chaotic, embattled period; Stepparents may begin speaking up with more energy about their needs for inclusion and for change.

Action Stage: This is the stage where negotiations are made about how the family will function; Moves in this stage change the family structure as new boundaries are drawn. The family now has enough understanding so that every family activity is no longer a potential power struggle between insiders and outsiders. Moving to this stage too quickly can cause major problems and stress.

Contact Stage: There is less attention to step issues and this is often the honeymoon stage; It is ONLY NOW that a clearly defined stepparent role begins to emerge.

Resolution Stage: The stepfamily now has solid and reliable relationships; Although some children may be more inside the family than others, there is clarity about and acceptance of this fact; The stepparent role now brings satisfaction and nourishment.

Some families complete the entire cycle in about 4 years. Most families take about 7 years. Many of the families end in divorce, others remain stuck, and a small number eventually move on successfully.

In faster couples the biological parent has been able to hear the stepparent's jealousy and confusion right from the start, and the stepparent has been able to sympathize with the intense pull that biological parents experience from their own children. These families usually have fewer deeply held fantasies and more realistic expectations.

Movement through the stages do not happen neatly and precisely. A family may move ahead in one area but remain at a much earlier stage in another. Often, a stuck family may have talked to almost nobody who understood their experience.

Speed and ease of movement through Stages of Stepfamily Development are often closely related to the amount and timing of support, especially in the first few years.

Support is defined as the presence of someone or something that provides validation for and understanding of the intense painful feelings involved in early stepfamily living, and some indication of what to do next.

By: winningstepfamilies.com